CANCER. I have that. Sometimes I have to stop and re-grasp the reality of it. Yesterday, I was healthy, well, active and living. Today... I have stage IV lung cancer; inoperable and incurable. And the worse part of hearing those incomprehensible words was hearing the voice in my head saying, (the realist within me) "there's not a stage V, is there?"
Seriously? Well, that's what they tell me anyway. I don't think I'm quite fully on board yet. The first round of chemo was very convincing though. I almost decided that a quick death may be far more doable than another 2 weeks with that poison in my body. A little like childbirth; at the end of each pregnancy. I think I always questioned whether I was ready for the inevitable delivery. Like it mattered if I wanted the pain and discomfort that it would most assuredly bring and whether I was ready or not! Cancer somewhat reminds me of that. However, there are no steps for what to expect each week or trimester with every single type of cancer and treatment being completely different. Cancer is quite the inconsiderate beast! No rules. No guidelines. You never know what to expect. It almost seems as though that is the monsters very intention. It's way to suck the life and hope right out of you. It's definitely scary, but mostly it makes me mad. (when I've had the energy to be mad, anyway) Mad and determined enough to want to win this fight. There's just too much at stake not to win.
And so, my "fight" with the beast begins. I do see why they call it that now, a fight that is. Before, I used to picture people with cancer standing very firm in place. I imagined them with hands up, in a boxers stance, being strong and not letting any of it get to them. As far as I can tell in my short experience, that's not the typical cancer patients reality. In my short 4 weeks after diagnosis my fight has been mostly with my insurance company, flighty doctor offices, inconsiderate medical personnel and then my own frustrations, disappointments, symptoms and treatment. That's where the fight is, that's what consumes me and haunts me. Well, those things and the fact that my life will never be the same.
In a day... everything has changed.
