When it's terminal

I never thought much about what the word terminal meant until it was literally standing right in front of me and jumping up and down on my life! For once I didn't feel the term "ignorance is bliss" was such a cheesy thing to say. Being told I have stage IV non small cell lung cancer already at an advance stage AND IT WAS TERMINAL was honestly the worst day I'd had all year or maybe all decade or even in my life, but it's really too difficult to compare your calamities in a time like this. If you've never been there, please don't judge! Well, even if you have been there.. seriously, don't judge. Everyone deals with life and hem hem.. death very differently. There is no one size fits all or even a reference book on how to live with a terminal illness.

I have discovered since I heard those horrifying words that many people think they know how you, or as it is- me, should live out my days with this death sentence hanging over me. Sadly, some think they know how you should or should not be doing it. These same people with this infamous wisdom also are the ones who feel they can invoke on you just how and how not you should be "living." Ha! Tell me it isn't so, please! If I'm facing dying and I don't know how to act what makes someone who is not holding their mortality in their hands think they have even an inkling of an idea?

I'm baffled, what about you? The one thing I am not doing is coming down on people for being people. We're all in need of constant forgiveness and I for one, extend that gracefully to all more readily than ever these days. Believe me when I say, it's NOT 
easy, but it must be done. (The grace and forgiveness part if that 
wasn't clear. YIKES!) 

Too often I'm hearing of people being wounded in there ill condition. Too many trying to figure life out for them, assuming and presuming, giving unwarranted advice that they don't even have experience in or saying pat answers that sound pretty but don't even apply. It seems there's more talking going on by the so called friends than listening. Believe me, I know it must be difficult to hear, but sometimes we just need a sounding board, someone to let us voice the thoughts rolling around in our head. Just a friend, not someone with all the answers. 

A little advice, be gentle, be loving and listen with your heart.. spread joy, spread peace; but don't sweep the fact of the matter 
under the rug. There are many stages of grief as most know and dealing with a terminal diagnosis puts a person right at the top of that list and working down the page. 

I'd like to tell you a little about how I came to be living this 
terminal life and just how long I've been preparing to die. You know, everyone is going to do it, don't you? So why is it so very difficult to accept when you know it might just be this month or 
this year or before another Christmas with your family? Why is it that having this glimpse into your future brings you down on your knees and into a fog of depression instead of making you more 
joyful and trying to experience everything and to be there for 
everyone?

You would think this information would unleash a deep desire for 
fun, laughter and recalling great memories that make you smile and bring you joy, and it can- depending on what stage of the grieving process you happen to be in and your current circumstances.  Instead it can bring some deep depressing thoughts and quiet times of tears and reminiscences of mistakes and disappointments. What 
can I say? It's just how it is.

I'm thankful that I can quickly turn from those dark moments and give thanks for what I have had and praise God for what He has done. For this is surely truth: my past, present and future are all in His loving hands. Everyday is different though; whether you're facing a terminal diagnosis or just trying to live your life with the normal ups and downs, life can be hard. I'm learning new meaning to some things that I used to think I understood. In the coming days I hope to share some of those things with you.

In the mean time I'll leave you with some words that I turn to when the world is closing in and the whirlwind is upon me:

"Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything  praiseworthy-meditate on these things." 
                                                             Phillipians 4:8 

Love, joy and peace to you and yours!
Joann