Lately for me, they're as subtle as a quick turn, then a jerk to the left, a sudden dive down ending with an upside down out of control spiral on a very long and horrifying rollercoaster ride.
You know the huge ones at a theme park that hold you in place and threaten to keep you hanging indefinitely, but just when you think you can't take another sharp curve or another over the edge dive into the unknown... it lets you go for just a second. You think you must be safe and for just a split second you realize that in these moments you better catch your breath, you should gather your composure and fix your hair, because there isn't a glimpse in sight of what's coming next. But you know it's coming and you know you might escape with your life, but also in reality, you know there are no guarantees, there are no promises, no contracts signed and sealed for your benefit.
This is the cancer journey. This is what's called, "the fight." If you are, like me, on this journey you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're only on the outside and looking in then thank the good Lord above and please sit back and listen to the words of one woman's late night musings of what it's sometimes like:
It's just you up there, at the very top of that roller coaster ride. The one that looks out across acres and acres of that park. From this view you can see it all and it's so beautiful, so hopeful and as those huge trees clustered together on the west side of the park stand strong with branches extending in all directions you notice how they've nearly reached the sky. Or maybe they did reach the sky and melded into it somewhere between the heavy brush and the transparent turquoise air with its puffy white clouds that shapeshift so carelessly as they float into the distance, never looking back or divulging the hideous things they've seen. There are hundreds maybe thousands of other souls who are just where you are in a way. They're back on top of this ride, teetering from side to side and trying to keep the balance daring not to even exhale a breath. You wonder for a moment if they can see it, are they looking out past this moment, this destiny, at the beauty all around as the colors of the skies explode into one another as the sun melts its tangerine warmth and it oozes with the peacock and becomes a magnificent bouquet of lavender. Or are we all missing it with our eyes focused only on ourselves and the hell we're going through? Who would blame us, right? At that thought I sit up in my seat and lean as far over the edge as I can hoping to smell the sweetness that must be there... in the sky almost touching me, but not daring to come that close. I long for more and realize that I may never see it like this or breathe in such a rich fragrance ever again. I'm on top of my world, but as curiously as I came to be here within a blink of an eye there is a faint gasp and a breath that I come to know as my own and once again I'm plunged into the depths of unchartered territory; the unknown but the inevitable.
So you take in that gulp of air and you stare out into the distance. You glance up to the skies and just as if you thought you'd have more time to gather together your life, your loved ones or even the pieces of a past that you didn't want to fall apart, but it did anyway. At that very moment when the reality of it all hits you and you want to go back, to get off of this ride, but no one can hear you calling as your voice struggles against the whirlwind and your throat is too dry from the screaming. Your eyes fill with the watery tears that are so very familiar these days and this unforgivable rail car begins to propel you forward on a ride that you never wanted to get on. Without dignity or an ounce of grace it throws you down another spiraling rail as you're left gripping the cold handlebars in front of you, your back plastered to the uncomfortable dank metal that's digging into your wind burned skin. Your legs are tense, but your feet are planted firmly and deliberately, it's just become an unconscionable habit lately. You will take whatever it is that is thrown at you, you must stand strong. You must stand and never give up.
In a moment your off once more, in the blink of an eye it starts all over again. The dark circles under your eyes are just a fraction of the ugly reminder that you've been here before, that you've ridden this beast, that you've encountered it's wrath and that you have its memory burned deeply into every cell of your unrecognizable shapeless thin body. The body that used to carry you where you wanted to go and was eager to run and laugh and find joy among the living. Today this body, with its imprint of the pain, the loss, the fear can only hold on. Hold on it must, for the ride is long, taking you to heights that you've never known before and thrashing you down at a speed you should never have to endure. Like this roller coaster ride, a journey not intended for the faint of heart, there is no stopping, no way to get off and though you've been told where you'll go and how you'll get there you never could have imagined that this journey would take you here and it would cost you more than you ever knew you could pay. Still you go. You plant both feet before you, straighten your back and raise your chin to address the enemy face to face. Though your dark empty eyes tell a story that no one wants to hear and your mind plays tricks on you as you try to sort the facts from the truths, nevertheless you stand for war and when you're knocked down you get back up and fight again. It's only in the stillness of the black night when no one else is there that you allow yourself to cry and the wet tears fall like rivers, water rushing from a depth within you that you had forgotten existed and then you let the waterfall empty itself once again.
So many unanswered questions, such unbelievable words that are never allowed to be spoken. And your shaken to the very core at the honesty that you must share even if you're the only one who's listening. But in that darkness, far enough away that it's hidden on most occasssions, you sense someone there, someone reaching for you. As you allow your heart to sink into the depth of that black abysss, you know the familiar warmth that embraces your body and soul tonight. You remember the things that you've heard and the words that have been spoken. Do you dare to hope in the midst of this chaos, do you hope to fight another day or are you done? But, it is His voice and it is His presence and He holds you in His strength once again. And you believe the words that He promised you even though it doesn't look the way you thought it would, the way you were told that it would, but that doesn't mean it's not true.
Deeply, you inhale, breathing in the hope and exhaling the fear and He calls you His child, He knows your name and reminds you that He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Knowing it to be true as ripples of memories flow through your mind; all the many times that He was there in the dark, in the stillness when you felt so all alone and you know He'll always be there.
The darkness subsides as you climb down from the horrible ride tonight.. you allow the one who is strong enough to bare your burdens take the next watch of the night. With shaking hands you dry then close those weary eyes, breathing many deep sighs and fall asleep dreaming of a better place, of a better time and you rest there...
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. "
Deuteronomy 31:6
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