Ain't No Grave!

A couple of weeks ago, my daughters and I had a rather terrifying meeting with my oncologist. In our hopes of having him give us the information of his plan in action due to the new PET scan results, we found something very disturbing. He has had me waiting on a clinical trial since October; waiting with no communication other than testing dates and locations from staff. In my attempts to deal with the worsening of pain and other symptoms I was failing at getting acrosss to them that things had changed and something needed to be done. Obviously an ongoing problem between doctor and patient, but it needs to stop. We depend on our medical staff to have our best interests in mind and fighting for us, hoping for the best and always looking for the best treatment options, right?

I have studied diligently and continue to update myself and keep myself up to date, which I feel is very important when you're dealing with a severe chronic or terminal disease. I dig to find out what all those test results mean and what they mean for me. I ask a multitude of questions and take all that information in stride. It is truly amazing the difference in how each of those medical staff will answer your questions. Some are a wealth of info and helpful and some just see you as their very short lived patient that they may never see again and won't offer much. I really feel for people who cannot comprehend this new and transforming medical society and all the different treatments and protocols, very sad. They many times are solely depending on their doctors and nurses to do it all. Some are blessed and that's what happens, but I think I see way too many people on the social media pages asking and even begging for answers that they left that doctors office without. It makes my heart hurt.

In this particular meeting we were blindsided and had no idea about what my doctor felt until he was pushed for a plan to combat the increasing and ever growing tumors that have riddled my body and severely multiplied just since November according to this PET scan report! He doesn't see that there is ANY treatment that is going to work! Even the clinical trial that I don't qualify for because of the unstable condition of brain metastasis that has crept in.

BRAIN METASISIS

Due to an MRI that was part of the pre-qualification protocol for the trial, we learned in November that I had 10 brain tumors with one being large and in dangerous placement in my brain stem. There's no room for that kind of foreign entity there so any growth can cause serious issues. I was immediately put on hold for the trial and referred to radiation therapy.

December was full of simulations, tests and finally a one time high dose of pin point lasers delivering radiation to the exact placement of the tumors. And then there's those lovely side effects.. yuck, it was unpleasant though necessary, then the waiting.. of course.

I was totally unprepared for the results of the standard 30 day MRI: too quickly 7-8 more tumors had arrived (most likely already there but not large enough to be seen at the time of testing) and these received none of the radiation that had been lasered in. A
new plan had to be formulated, obviously the pin point technique was not going to stay ahead of the spreading going on. This calls for, you guessed it! More testing, more simulations, more uncomfortabl mask molds and Whole Brain Radiation...

In the meantime, these technical plans take time to formulate, it's hurry up and wait for weeks, but this team realizes that I'm dealing with so much more than just brain mets and order the colorful PET in question here. Seeing these results and then hearing of my new symptoms of numbness and tingling across my face, my lips, tongue, roof of mouth and down my right arm to my fingers, severe lung pain, muscle weakness and joint pain they expedite the treatment and get me started! Truly looking out for my best interest- thank you doc!

I'M NOT DYING!

In this meeting then with the original oncologist he is completely disconnected with what is going on. As my daughters push him for answers he raises his voice and lets them know that this is the circle of life, just how it is sometimes and there's always palliative care for me! These words are like splinters of hopelessness to me and completely unknown and foreign to these young women. Once we explained what this actually means I could see the realization of horror across their faces.. no one should ever be spoken to in that way and hear of a possible fate for their mom like that! Bad form doc.. I hope this to be an isolated case and not the norm for patients. I understand the beauty in palliative care when its time, but IT'S NOT MY TIME and I'M NOT DYING!! (and if I were, don't tell my children in that tone, please.)

Does it go without saying that we walked out of that meeting without an oncologist.. and I quickly declared to my girls that I was NOT DYING!

Heading to the parking deck I checked my phone and found a notification for YouTube.com and was overjoyed to see the very timely post from my church! Someone had my back, someone was listening and in tune.. that person had just in that short time posted a song from our anointed worship leaders that I needed to hear! I needed to declare and push way down in my spirit to take the place of those words of death and hopelessness! As soon as I was situated in my car I plugged my phone into my stereo, found the YouTube post and turned it wide open, played it over and over all the way home singing to the top of my HEALED LUNGS!! (It's HIS Breath, He breathed into us.. HE chooses when that comes to an end! No one else has that power, but we can foolishly give it over to them by becoming into agreement with their thoughts.) THEY don't KNOW MY GOD!!

 I HOPE YOU ENJOY!! 

AIN'T NO GRAVE!!


LOVE, JOY AND PEACE, In HIM!

JOANN

The Journey

My journey  has been one of mixed roads and paths that have lead me to where I am right now. One thing that I have found and am in awe of is the constant grace that the Lord has extended to me to find myself here. Here, obviously a good place to be. Even so, I press on toward more and even higher ground. 

Just today God has enlightened my mind and so my very life with His love and mercy by speaking to me through His word. This living and breathing book that I cherish and treasure speaks to me daily, but sometimes there’s just this special breath that has breathed and its now a message to the very core of my being; a message that I can choose to incorporate deep within me or let it fall to the ground and slip away. Not the latter, not today!

If you’ve ever stood and believed for something, been desperate with no other hope except a miraculous move of God then this is for you. If you or someone you know is in the fight of their life, but wondering where God has been then you are exactly who I’m supposed to share with today.

Being diagnosed with terminal cancer 4 years ago set me on quite a rocky path, but has lead me to a deeper relationship than I ever thought possible with my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. I was no stranger to faith and had exercised my beliefs often, especially for my children and loved ones. I’m not sure why it’s easier to believe for someone else than for yourself, but that’s what I found when faced with a case for either God to intervene or to meet Him face to face at heaven’s gate.

Surprisingly for me, this journey would take me all the way back to the foundation, to the beginning of what do I believe and why before I could truly stand and say, “I believe!” To go forward, I had to go backward first. Trust me, backward is not a place you want to be. I guess it’s that wilderness place that everyone encounters at some point. I think my wilderness was the driest desert that ever existed and I’m quite sure I spent way too much time finding my way out of there than was necessary! Even so, I learned much, grew a lot and am so very thankful when I look back I see two sets of footprints in that sand. I wouldn’t have ever made it out had He not held me up.

The worst part of finding your true faith is the doubt and unbelief that attacks you. I actually encountered the enemy seething words at me that it’s not true, that it’s not real and that there’s not any hope for me. In times of weakness I was taken down by these thoughts and that lead to deeper drought of the Holy Spirit in my life. When you have no faith it’s impossible to please God, without God there is no hope.. and the vicious cycle continued. I had to make a stand, I would have to take that stand and never look back.. 

“I believe!”

I believe, but… does God really love me enough to heal me? I believe, but.. God didn’t heal “that person, or this person, so why would He heal me?.. I believe, but.. is it even His will to heal me..

I knew one day without a shadow of doubt that I was healed. God spoke to me, breathed His healing breath upon me and I will not let that be stolen from me. It wasn’t an instantaneous healing though and my body has not shown the manifestation of His promise, though I patiently wait with anticipation for that day.

In the meantime, in the waiting, I have found the most wonderful and beautiful encounters with Jesus. His love and mercy continue to wash over me daily and I wouldn’t trade what I’ve experienced with Him for any amount of healing. The showers of refreshing are always in the waiting, it’s when you are expecting and hoping, putting your trust and faith in nothing but His promises that you can look into His eyes and know His pure love. Without having received that thing that you want because you’ve realized that’s not what you really want, you just want Him, only need Him..

“Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved? 

I awakened you under the apple tree. There your mother brought you forth; there she who bore you brought you forth.

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; 

For love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame.

Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love all the wealth of his house it would be utterly despised.”                 

    Song of Solomon 8:5-7 

So gently and sweetly He speaks to my heart from Mark 9:23-24.                            

My Jesus said,

 “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”

“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears,

“Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!”

Honestly, I couldn’t believe my eyes, couldn’t trust my ears. I’ve read these verses so many times and quoted the scriptures, but I had not ever grasped the truth of what Jesus said and why.

Earlier in the passage, verses 14-18 we see that this father had watched while the disciples tried to cast out his sons demon that he’d had since childhood, but they could not. Not only had they failed but the demon had put on a big show in front of everyone foaming at the mouth and convulsing. Because of their failure the father had lost hope and was struggling to believe. He wanted to believe Jesus, but he’d been shaken, his faith had been attacked and he’d seen the power of the enemy right before his very eyes.

But, Jesus said, 

“If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”

So, the father chose to believe Jesus, not what he had seen or heard and his son was delivered! Now, this is faith! I have to admit, my faith had been shaken by what I’ve seen around me and by what I haven’t seen. I’ve compared myself to others and thought if they didn’t get healed why would I? But, that’s not truth. Truth is Jesus said that all things are possible to him who believes! I believe! Just because it wasn’t true or didn’t happen for someone else doesn’t mean it won’t happen for me! The enemy is stealing our faith by demonstrating his lies in front of us and we set our eyes on that instead of the truth of the gospel!

What about His perfect will though, how do we know that He wants to heal us? There seems to be that small voice in the back of our minds reminding us it might not be His will. How can we be sure? Well, this is what my Bible says:

“Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.”  1John 5:14-15

So, there’s this confidence that we have and there are these promises that most all of us are believing and standing on. I know for me, Psalm 91 has been one of my go to declarations and I believe those words are for me, do you believe?

“He shall call upon Me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him 

and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation.”                    Psalm 91:15-16

God’s salvation includes deliverance, health, welfare, prosperity, and victory! This word salvation also comes from a word that includes avenging, defending, preserving and rescue! These are His promises to us; this is His will for us- long life and health! 

This is our petition, this is our confidence:

“…who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness- by whose stripes you were healed.” 1Peter 2:24

Either all of the word of God is true and the scriptures are to be believed or none of it is. I have to take it all, believe it all and if I believe I must stand on that truth and not be swayed or look at the tricks of the enemy. Everything else is in the hands of God.

I hope and pray for you that in the waiting you find strength, that you experience the deep love of Jesus and that your prayers are answered according to His great love for us! It will take a real and deep encounter with our savior to take a stand and not be shaken, but oh the joy and love once we’re in that place. 

“I believe!”

Blessings,

Joann Walters                                                                       

2/01/19